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Sacrifice

“It takes time to realize mistakes.”

She told me every regret she felt when he left. Nobody forced her to say ‘I do’ or ‘Yes, I will marry you’. She just did.

I asked her, “Didn’t you told me that you knew and felt that he’s the right one? How come you said those words to him?” She just answered, “Because that night, all of Ethan’s memories came up to my senses and I’d never thought Nathan’s going to take it seriously.” “Both of you still didn’t heal about Ethan’s death. As a brother, he will definitely not heal just as much as you because you’re Ethan’s girlfriend. That’s what I’ve been telling you from the start, you should’ve observed and realize first if it’s Nathan you want to spend your whole life with or you’re just seeing Ethan’s similarities with Nathan.” She embraced me and said, “I should’ve listened to you Lea. If I took your advice then this wouldn’t have happened. Nathan’s family wouldn’t have been disappointed about me marrying him.” I smiled and tapped her back, “You listened. You just didn’t do what I advised you to do. But it’s alright Nhix, everybody makes mistakes. So now, what are you going to do with Nathan and his family?” She sipped a little of red wine and said, “I will call him and tell him to come home tonight. I really miss him. And this time Lea, I know that I really love him. I’m not seeing Ethan in him anymore which is what I did during these past months of our marriage. I regret taking him for granted. Knowing that he’ll always be there falling head over heels for me..” I smiled and said, “That’s my girl.” She embraced me again and said, “Thank you Lea for opening my eyes. You really know what to do when it comes to this stuff. Why don’t you find yourself a guy to live your life with too?” I suddenly shed a tear and said, “Because the man I want to be with is happily living his life with his wife now.” She unwrapped her arms around me and said, “What are you talking about Lea?” I stood up and said while watching the pale dark sky tonight, “I loved Nathan just as much as you loved Ethan. But when the day came when he told me about him wanting to marry you, I felt like I died. Because you’re my sister Nhix, I’ve seen your agony when you lost Ethan and I won’t let you stay long in that agony. I’d rather see you happy.” Tears start to come out and she held my hand, “Giving up what you feel for Nathan for me.. it’s the most stupid thing I heard Lea.” I took my hand back and said, “And since that day you got married, it felt as if Nathan was dead. And I realized, that I have chosen to exchange places with you. From that day, I knew and felt about the agony you felt caused by Ethan’s death. Now, I’m helping you work it out with Nathan because I know how much he needs you.” I fell on the floor crying when suddenly the door opened. It was Nathan, “What did you just say Lea?” Nhix and I were both stunned.

When JM is reminisced.

When a certain pain is reminisced,

A feeling of loneliness arises.

And when loneliness strikes again,

Tears aren’t kept intact inside a person’s eyes.

And when one person keeps on resisting it to shed,

It keeps on pouring down.

Just like the rain, it keeps on pouring down

And one person can’t just tell the clouds to stop it.

But everybody knows that every after rain,

The sun will shine, drying every single drop of rain that came.

Just like those people who loves you,

They will naturally, wash and dry away all your tears..

Strongest time of my life.

It was in fourth year high school when I became the strongest woman of my generation maybe haha. Just kidding. I don’t know why I’m writing this tonight. I was just browsing some of my poems and literary pieces in the past when I came across a simple “diary-like” piece. It was dated 13th of December 2006. I was laughing on my own when suddenly my eyes caught this paragraph

Recruiting people for own lil club huh? What’s tha name agen? Oh I know…it’s…shhhiiittt! Nahh..juz joking. Hmm it’s not really recruiting. It’s asking every person in tha class to be a part of your own club. You all think that everybody hates me, you want to prove that everybody wants me dead. Iniisa isa niyo kasi ung mga tao sa klase eh. Well, wala taung magagawa, ganyan kau eh. One more, so u’re using sumbody else’s number just to text me huh. Bakit hindi ninyo gamitin ang sarili ninyongnumber? Who tha hell called me a “byatch”?! Hell to him or her. Whoever he or she is.”

Now, as I try to go back to that day of my life, I hardly can’t imagine how mad I was that time. (Laughs) But I was curious who really did send me that message. Well, if anyone from our batch reads this, I hope he/she knows and will give me an idea who really sent that message.

Well, there were more pieces like this. Almost every day of my fourth year high school life. There were good times too but as far as I can remember, I only do write pieces when I’m down. Only a few poems and pieces are about me being happy or something like that. Wanna know my story back in fourth year high school? (Laughs) Nahh.. it’ll only bring back hatred towards a lot of persons. But there’s one comment to me in friendster from a friend in our batch. I almost cried when I was reading it.

hi rai mztah ka nah…. la lng naalala lng kita….. you’re such a strong lady as i’ve seen u throughout our last year as high skul studs…. even though i haven’t been that close to you i wish you the best of life ngaung college n tau…. Have fun!”

I don’t know if she really meant about me being around that stupid club sorry for the word but for me, it is.Thanks Lorie. There even came a point during our recollection when one of my friends stood up and told our teachers that not all issues are over. I didn’t expect for her to do that. With her courage to voice out, she stood up and talked about what is the real score between me and that club. Anyways, It’s been more than three years and when I look back, all I could do is laugh at those high school stuff (and Mariel would soon be ‘high blood’ whenever she hears the name of that club —- Laughs).

It’s so funny when you look back at your own mistakes and overreacting memories of being a fresh teen-ager.

*Thanks to Haly, Yen, Mariel, Val, Bez for being there during that worst & best year of my life.

To Lorie, who saw me as a strong lady, thank you very much.